Honor YourSelf

When we become attuned to the voice of our true self, we become deeply aware of the Essence of our loved ones- who they truly are.  It is a self-ish rule of creation; by honoring yourself you are given the courage and strength to contribute to other human beings.  And it is a cycle of perfection we find ourselves entwined in, not at all our limited understanding of the word "selfish".  Then, the mandate from our Universal Presence, by whatever name we choose to call It, is to begin experiencing the core of other human beings by entering our own hearts.

Let me clarify this point by letting you in on a quick story; Last year, my husband and I were raising two additional children who came to us through foster care. It was an enormous challenge to our family life which already consisted of three biological children and several animal companions. As I humorously shared the tale of my expanding family at a wedding ceremony several months ago, a friend of the bride remarked, "Wow, I guess you're really going for sainthood!" I was really surprised by his perception of me as the selfless minister, as one who is striving for saintliness. On the contrary, I am devoted to serving God in every human being but certainly far from selfless.  Although my ego would love to take credit for being noble, the truth is that this work feeds my soul and fulfills my purpose- self-ish. It may appear saintly to some but the only other choice is to live in the pain and anguish of denying who I am and why I have come here. See? Not so noble after all  I just have the audacity to trust the still small voice, the true self within, and make choices that align with that voice. This is what I mean by honoring yourSelf.

When I am called to help others in grief healing sessions, I notice that we are all faced with mistakes or regrets unspoken when someone we love leaves the physical body.  We are faced with the ways we knew them on earth, the way they behaved, the things they said and how we felt in their presence.  Yet, I sometimes meet individuals who have honored their own voice and truth such that they feel little blame for their loved one's human errors.  They find little to regret and much to appreciate.  This does not mean that the person they mourn was kind or pleasant.  In fact, it is usually the opposite.  They tell me that the anger and hurt they felt taught them to be kind to themselves.

I have also experienced this.  I have been opened by pain and shame such that I was turned to Spirit in desperation.  The desperation I felt from grief was a powerful medicine for transformation.  And the souls I once believed to be my violators and humiliators taught me to turn to a source within that remained untouched.  The actions and behaviors of those individuals was a manifestation of their own deep, festering pain.  Ultimately, when I thought I'd been hurt, I was forced to learn who I really am- an emanation of Love that cannot be and was not disturbed by anyone.  From this realization, I've been urged to launch the BKTY- Be Kind to Yourself movement of self compassion.  You can learn more about the power of this practice and join the movement at www.bkty.info.

So, let's engage the conversation;  How can you honor your loved ones by nurturing and honoring the Self that you truly are?

Grand Mothers

Recently, I sat at the hospital bedside of the last grand elder in my life.  We call her Mama Cleopha and often refer to her as a healer and sage.   Her Essence was, in those moments, as clear, feisty, wise and compassionate as they were when I visited her for a summer in the islands a the tender age of 12.  Her passion and commitment to holistic health and spirituality laid many of the bricks founding my life and work today. 

In that Bronx hospital room, Mama asked me, “Why did you become a minister?”   She went on to challenge me with her eminent wisdom, “I want to make sure you understand what it really is.”  I stood before her staunchly dressed, minister’s stole in tow. Only an hour before visiting, I officiated a graveside Life Tribute for a family who was saying farewell to their elder aunt and sister.  So, I met Mama’s challenging inquiry but I was entirely unrehearsed.

 Being present with Mama Cleopha brought my awareness to the familiar feeling of bodily death and the first time I became so well acquainted. To share that moment with you, I offer an excerpt from my first and soon to be released book, Honoring Our Loved Ones; A Universal Path for Dying, Grieving, Healing and Living Now;  

“The first time the presence of death smacked me awake into life, the awakening did not last very long but, unbeknownst to me, this ministry was born.  It was the moment I sat beside my grandmother only hours after she left her physical body.  A softly lit familiar bedroom in her quaint home.  There were so many days and such poignant childhood moments I’d accumulated in that room, even in that very chair.  And yet, in that moment there was only the presence of Grandma’s still body and the absence of all I’d known of her before that very stoic moment.

 Grandma, Rosemerry Kinsey
Happy Birthday! August 30th
 Celebrating your song, fierce love, passion, laughter and more.
Selah. 

Not immediately, but incrementally thereafter I began open to the lessons of death.  Grandma was clearly not gone from me although her body was no longer functioning.  Somehow, more real than her body was the feeling I held of her, the unspeakable awareness of her presence.

That experience was never easy to articulate and less to understand.  Today I know that it was the beginning of the call to honor the sacred lessons of death and celebrate the now-ness of living.”

Since that day, in the years that followed, I have stumbled in and out of the lesson painfully as many elders patiently guiding and watching over me.  Often emerging from my blunders wiser and ever grateful for some deep current of loving energy that “put me back together again”, I chose to demonstrate my gratitude with the actions of my life, hence ministry.

Vividly recalling the painful residue of my past riddled with childhood abuse, poverty, heart break and self-sabotage, I felt compelled to answer Mama’s inquiry as truthfully as possible.  Once we were alone, I replied, “Well, I became a minister because I once had an experience of life that left me feeling broken.  And I believed that something was deeply wrong, inherently flawed about me. Something, deep within transformed me and my life.  I want to share that ‘something’ with the world.  And there is nothing more important to me- there is simply nothing else.” 

At this point, despite the curtain dividers, I was aware of the other patient in the room listening to our conversation. Mama’s body was not strong but she nodded as best she could.  You could find her in the eyes- it was the essence of all of her alive in those eyes, untouched and feisty as always.  She used her eyes to probe me, to reel me in and I let her.  She replied, “Yes, ok.  But here’s the thing- your life is never broken.  You understand?”   I did understand and I continue to get deeper understandings of her statement and intense presence with me in that moment.  And now I will share with you the gift I’ve received from Mama, those I’ve lost before her and the families who have allowed me to lead them spiritually in the face of death.

The pertinent question we are all facing is actually not whether there is life after the body dies.  That is merely a distraction from our here and now reality.  The pertinent and burning inquiry is this; Are you really present to your Life while you are living it now?  Osho, the Indian mystic and spiritual teacher, said it this way, “The real question is not whether life exists after death.  The real question is whether you are alive before death.”

And that says it all.

Mama Cleopha
A life unbroken. Shining even now.
Ashe!

Blessings of peace and profound wholeness to you, 

Reverend Sala
www.honoryourlovedone.com
revsala@honoryourlovedone.com

845.200.0036

Blues Man

       My grandfather was affectionately known to my children as Papa.  The day after his departure from this physical realm, I waded through the last items he'd laid atop his bedroom dresser and found his duly weathered brown leather wallet.  Gingerly peeking inside, I discovered several slips of old notepaper which held his handwritten accumulation of quotes and words to live by.  With further examination, my mother and I discoverd that grandpa began compiling the wise words in his youth and continued to carry them throughout his days in the well worn wallet. He'd never preached the phrases and parables to us overtly.  Instead, we found, he endeavored to live them most profoundly and taught us all by the example and even the struggle of his living.  He didn't tell me how to live.  Instead, he lived and let me watch.

"Kindness is the oil that takes the friction out of life."
-from Papa's wallet words of wisdom

        July is the month of Papa's birth, the mark of his solar return.  He would have celebrated 94 trips around the sun this month as he'd likely tell hush-hush jokes that kinda make you chuckle and hold onto the punch line as if it were a secret.  He'd be moving busily about cleaning up and running errands to ensure everyone else's comfort and happiness even at his own birthday party.  And he'd make sure there ran a steady supply of Muddy Waters or Ray Charles blues tunes to cradle his North Carolina born and bred soul.  

         Today, my ministry is about the work of honoring souls who have crossed over and spiritually supporting their families.  Yet, I sometimes grieve the opportunity to have fully honored the beauty and wisdom of my grandfather's legacy.  Honor Your Loved One was born from my deep commitment to provide for others the spiritual support and resources that I did not experience when any of my loved ones passed away.  Not so long ago, I sat like so many others, in a state of numb shock unable to fully express and celebrate one who was a pillar to my very being- a rock like foundation from which the fabric of my character has been woven.  My paternal grandmother, Nana, crossed over only a few days later and I was stricken by the loss of the last two grand-elders, my pillars, in a single, frost bitten January week.

"That day I met the blues, baby, swung me from tree to tree."- Buddy Guy

         In that week, I never  imagined the impact their passing and the experience of honoring them, or lack thereof, would have on my life's work.  Moreover, I had no idea that the ache and sting of grief had deep lessons of growth and awareness for me.   When we are struck by the loss of a loved one, a meaningful Life Tribute really is the most profound beginning of our journey from grief to healing. Firsthand, I’ve learned that the grief I once avoided in my life was not an inconvenience but a necessary passage, opening me to come into the bereavement services I offer to so many others today.

         Admittedly, I have been taught a great deal by my loved ones who have crossed over despite the regret and disappointment that often pinches me.  Call it what you will, but in those moments of confusion and despair when I cannot hear the still small voice within,  I often feel Grandpa's presence, his reassurance and that special brand of affection he had reserved for me, his only granddaughter.  There was a look of wonder and pride in his eye for me, even the last time I stood at his bedside and touched his thin hands only days before he left the body.  It is an amazing experience to feel that special affection and 'hear' from him still.  And I hold vigil for him today.  A humble altar of remembrance graced by a few key photographs, a candle and waterfall, the meditation bell and a little sage.

        This is my homage, daily, weekly to those I continue to love and appreciate even though they are no longer in physical awareness.  I honor them still.  Silently.  Sacredly.  Knowing that the feeling is as real as his breath ever was in the body we knew.  Knowing that his kind soul and blues, smile and quick wit were never confined to that handsome face and that is why I feel him still.  Learning that every conversation, every trip around the sun brought us closer to seeing God in one another and resting there sometimes. 

Holding vigil, memorial or ritual for our loved ones who have crossed over can restore wholeness where grief still stings.  Have you found ways to hold your loved ones in your awareness in a way that feels appreciative and peaceful?  Share your story and let your journey encourage another.  What are your ways of remembrance?

To contact Reverend Sala, visit www.honoryourlovedone.com for Life Tribute, Grief Counseling and Bereavement Support.